Alone?

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The stereotypes that often come with leading a single life are generally categorized into one group: loneliness. It is so often assumed that those who have not yet found that special person who makes the world a little brighter are experience those god-awful waves of loneliness. In reality, there is a magnificent difference between being lonely and being alone.

Author's note

Hey Guys! It’s been a while. So if I sound sloppy, I’m sorry. The subject I’m about to talk about today have been on my mind for a very long time, but I never was able to talk about it. Partly because I was scared and it was hard for me back then, but also because I never felt so strongly about it as now. In the past few months, lot of things happened and changed. I’ve lost people I’ve loved, got into trouble, lost trust in people who were close to me, been blamed of things I never imagined would happen and so on. Today, I finally decided to share how I feel about everything and why I feel that way. And I felt like many can relate to me too. So, hope you find in interesting and understand its meaning.��
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1. My Being Alone

“And in the end all I learned was how to be strong… Alone.”

Life can be a mystery and also be the hardest lesson ever taught. I am a very small girl but life made sure to make me mature even before I knew the meaning of that word. I do not know if that is a sad fact or joyful but for me right now maybe the most painful of all.


                         

I am an only child, being one I learned to work on my own from a very young age. Most people presume that being an only child means you get dotted on. In reality it’s not always the case, may it seem cliché but life is not exactly a part of movie in truth. We don’t always end up happy like the stories go. And being born in a middle class family where the father works the hardest and mother always busy with every aspect of a family, I learned my way into life not so easy. But I would never say I regret it for it taught me to be someone who doesn’t need someone taking care for her. But, along the way while growing up, I realized how alone I was. No, it’s not like I had no friends or that my family avoided me or neglected me or anything. It’s just that tiny empty feeling that at the end of the day you really have no one to rely on. I thought as I grow up the feeling would change but it never did. It kept growing and while searching for a little something to fill that empty space, I lost many things I treasured.

 

~{ You can skip this part if you're bored it's not so important and only my life's boring things. Just Read  from next chapter. :P }~

 

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”

Maybe I just wanted to be trusted. You see, I was never a loner child, I was a very joyous talkative fun girl, and so I was almost always surrounded by people. I had so many friends I’d forget their name by the time I changed schools, which I did a lot. I’ve changed many schools and met many types of people around the world. As a result, I had no limit of friends or people who liked me. There was a spam of life where I probably met the best people I ever hoped for. Truth be told, I was almost fine with the space they took in my heart. But as the reality goes, people you love don’t always stay by you forever. And somehow I felt like they always left me at some point and so I stopped getting attached to people.

“It’s easy to stand with the crowd it takes courage to stand alone”

While searching for people to fill my empty heart, I don’t know when I changed into someone quiet natured. I stopped laughing along people; I stopped running around with them, playing, hanging out seemed boring to me. Then people around me started to show their true natures as well. I don’t blame them but it was shocking to see how selfish some people around you can be. It was like I wasn’t a famous kid anymore so you go up and blame your shit on me, hurt me, attack me and then when you see nothing works to stir me up, you try to physically torture me. At that point even I started to become selfish. I wasn’t a kid who was fine with being pushed around so I fought back exactly how they treated me. But along the line, few true people who actually cared came out, they stood up for me and somehow I found someone I admired or probably fell hard but that doesn’t matter.

“It takes a strong person to remain single in a world that is accustomed to settling with anything just to say they have something.”

Fact is at that stage of life, I was suffering from many things. Active 3rd stage Depression, Insomia Claustrophobia(Fear of confined spaces) , Agoraphobia(Fear of public spaces or crowds), Anthropophobia(Fear of people and society), Atychiphobia(Fear of failure),  Koinoniphobia(Fear of rooms full of people), Aphenphosmphobia(Fear of being touched),  Nyctophobia(Fear of the dark),  Somniphobia(Fear of sleep),  Autophobia(Fear of being alone) and lastly NSSI( you have to Google this as I can’t say). I know that they’ll probably sound foreign to most people but when I was told these by my counselor I felt she was mad or something. But now that I think about it, she was a nice person who helped me get through most of them and now I am far better than I was. Of course, I know one can never be fully healed from such things. I can say that I’m better. And no I don’t feel bad about myself and I don’t expect sympathy either. That is not because I am a proud girl, but it’s simply that those things were part of me and taught me things I needed to know. But in truth I wish I would’ve shared them with people close to me then maybe they would not have misunderstood me and left. I just wish.

Though these things destroyed me little by little, it also made me extremely strong and probably a little cold too or so I’m told. Then slowly people who I loved left as well, some had to move away and some just simply decided to leave this world. It was comical to how many people I lost just cause I loved them. At some point I had to move too. At the end I came somewhere where my life was turning into nothing less than hell, dreams I made were shattered in front of me, my studies were nowhere near enough, and I had no one to rely on and stuck at the bottom of the well. Although after so much hurdle, I was started to be fine to being alone as it was best for me and everyone around me. Then suddenly some people came for me, tried to help but even though it took me a while, I realized that they were also not some just selfless helps but they depended on me with their problems to get over it by using me. I was lost, tired, I was suffocated. But then again just as I said, Life knows how to play with me; it threw the dice once again gambling how it will turn.

                                                         

“I always believed there's a fine line between love and hate.”

I finally met someone I respected, and even though he was nowhere near perfect, I admired him for just being who he was. Of course he had flaws beyond count but I still thought it was worth it. He made me believe it was worth it. No, I’m not talking about falling in love but rather friendship. I was attached to him beyond measures. But as I said experiences in my life made me cautious of falling for people or getting too attached. I was scared, very scared. Probably for the first time I was scared of something. I didn’t want to lose the little happiness I earned; I wasn’t ready to lose it all over again. 

“You know it’s love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you’re not part of their happiness.”

Yea, I loved him, probably the most. I wouldn’t say he loved me any less, never. He was crazy for me or so I thought from impressions. He listens to me, went along with my tantrums. Fun fact was I wasn’t ready to be in any relation and so I pushed him every chance I got, and I kept pushing. But he always came back again and again. I respected him for holding on so long. Love, trust, loyalty, understanding, compromise and so on can be a funny thing. They blind you from reality, breaks your reasons and defense walls. It gets you riled up, excited for every day. I don’t know for guys but I probably hoped it would be the same. Time can be a amazing thing, it changes you and it goes. I never regretted being who I was or who I was turning into and I still don’t. I was also fine as to how he was changing. It was evolving to me but I wouldn’t deny that it isn’t scary. I know how it feels to slowly drift apart from who you are to someone completely different for someone, and if it gets to you, you blame them. And that was supposed to be alright, right? I thought so too.  But I wonder what went wrong. True that none of us were perfect or that I was annoying as hell but was that truly so much that someone would fall out of love for me. But then everything came back rushing. Every single one I loved left and they all left when I got attached too much, became too possessive. Too much love is never the good end of anything. It was supposed to be balanced and I ruined it all. So, I blame no one, only my resolve of repeating my mistakes.  Was I supposed to apologize or cry? Was I supposed to run up to him and say what I was feeling then? I was not sad or upset rather confused.  Till to this point, I don’t know what went wrong. No, I’m not too lonely or anything. I mean it’s been years since I tried to make any friends, I’m always fine being alone. It’s just the feeling that gets to me. You guys by now probably think I am very sad and probably had my breakup or something. So, I’ll be honest I did have it  but again I didn’t and it’s not the so called relationship breakups. I lost a best friend as well as someone who was not just my partner but also a very close person to my heart. You dont always need a boyfriend or lover, just someone who you trust and want to be close to. Was he a jerk? Um… I don’t know, maybe or maybe not. We'll probably be friends. He was a nice person, was always there and probably still will help me if I ever ask. But, that’s the point right? You can’t ask someone you truly wished to be with for help once they try and avoid you. It hard, just simply hard. Did he hurt me? Yea, that he did probably didn’t mean to but did anyway. Do I wanna kill him? Obviously, I mean I gave my all and you don’t just switch off like that. But then that would be lying. I tried to give my best maybe it was never enough, maybe nothing was ever enough or maybe he just simply fell out of love. Every aspect of it ends up with a conclusion that it was never enough for both of us and slow misunderstanding got to us. Though if someone asks me why we broke off, I’d probably laugh a little to the good memories and ironies of the promises made and say “He loved me and then he didn’t. I just couldn’t switch it off like that. Though isn’t it funny how someone’s feelings can change and then there’s nothing you can do but accept it.”    




 


“Sometimes, you need to be alone. Not to be lonely, but to enjoy your free time being yourself.”

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