Ghost of You

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Dancing through our house with the ghost of you, and I chase it down with a shot of truth, that my feet don't dance like they did with you.

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1. Memories of You.

 

That day will always remain in the forefront of my mind. The many memories huddle together trying to keep warm. The beast I am up against is called Time, and is a living enemy trying its best to erase the few memories that I still hold close of you.

Waking up in our now half cold bed, I still cannot sleep on your side. It wouldn't seem right. No one can take the empty place by my side where you once stood. Continuing the routine we used to but now only I - always follow, I become increasingly saddened. I'm not used to be without my right hand girl. Throwing on a random shirt - todays was black, much like my mood. Actually a more accurate description of my mood would be blank, numb, much like yesterdays and further into the past until the days where we were still together.

We are still together only one of us is in the form of a angel. You are living another life, one full of joy and no disappointments, no one to let you down. 

My hand harshly wiped my eyes which had become tearful. Since when do I, a 23 year old man cry, at just sad thoughts? Gahh, my mind spat back. I lost a loved one, the love of my life, my fiance. I lost you.

Then my eyes fell upon it. Lying delicately on the floor was that shirt. It was your favorite, you loved it more than that zepplin one. 

On cue my hands sought my journal, which was then opened at the page where I had recorded one of our last mornings together. 

Laughter filled the air. It was like our own source of sunshine had been personalized just for the two of us. A radiant smile washed over her face as she left the bed slipping her most loved shirt of mine, around her small frame. 

Then it once again hit me. You died. My own angel had been plucked straight from my arms and the evil world and placed once again in her heavenly home, leaving nothing but a lifetime of memories, and now worthless belongings, yet none of them were worthless. They were valuable to me. Full of now lifeless reconciliations of events that happened.

Walking down the stairs, only happened because out of habit, my right foot always follows my left. Left. What do I have left? Not much now that you, my darling has gone.  

Reaching the room that we spent many happy hours, talking, laughing or just spending time together in companionable silence. The kitchen. 

I find myself automatically opening the cupboard door that is above the coffee machine and selecting the pure white mug with a faint hint of gold sparkle - it was your most used mug. I remember the day you received it, the smile that lit up my world got a little brighter, it was a gift from Jenny, a work colleague, the two of you got on like several houses on fire, both believing that spreading a little sparkle was one of the most important thing on every days to-do list. 

It was your designated mug. It was almost guaranteed that your day would falter a little if your lips hadn't delicately taken sips from it every morning. My eyes scan over it fondly, resting upon the lipstick stain that is fading with time. 

Fading with time. Please, no. You cannot fade. You will never be forgotten. I shall never forget. Gulping back the lump that has formed in the back of my throat and blocking the tears that are once again looming, I try to convince myself that if I can dream long enough you will come back to me. Wrap your comforting, loving arms around my neck and tell me until I become believing again, that I will be just fine. 

I'll be just fine. How sarcastic the words sound in my head. Saying them aloud, they don't become much more believable. 

Her number-one song was playing on the radio. The melody lured me in and I became lost in the memories of you, drowning out reality and the rest of the world, dancing through our house with the ghost of you. 

Cursed be the real world, that drew me back to Earth along with its companion, reality. 

Chasing the surreal, old anecdotes that once existed away, I downed it with a shot of truth, you really have gone, left me. I am alone. However long I spend dancing through our house with the ghost of you, it won't bring you back. You have forever moved on, someone else is now filling your space elsewhere on earth. 

The coffee has been forgotten. I no longer feel like the caffeine to attempt to bring me back to life. Without you I have no purpose. My heart tells me otherwise. I hear your voice telling me to make the most of my bereavement leave and begin to clean up. 

A familiar item of clothing made itself known to me as I crossed the threshold of our guest room. The zepplin shirt. The one that you changed out of into something fresh before running to meet and became successfully wooed by death. 

Reminiscing on the weekend before you died, when those not-so-dear aunts danced upon the strings attached to your heart, you claimed no one could feel your hurt. What I couldn't feel for you then, my dear, I feel now. Claiming we're 'to young, to dumb' to know things like love, but we both knew better. I know better. We were in love. 

The famous lyrics of the song sung by Luke Hemmings were next on the playlist. It caused a dull ache in my heart to hear him portraying my point of view through his lyrics which meant something so different to him. 

 

'So I drown it out like I always do

dancing through our house

with the ghost of you

and I chase it down

with a shot of truth

dancing through our house with the ghost of you.'

 

I want to scream, ease the agony of my heart. Why you? Why was it my Angel who got taken before her time?

We are young, dumb however is what we were not. Well, you weren't. As for me? I was a lamb following its master. We knew things like love. The electric connection that grew strong with every look or touch shared. The day I proposed, I became a nervous wreck. I never stuttered before I met you. You were able to change me to someone whom I never dreamed of becoming. 

Never have I been so glad to hear a one syllable, three lettered word. Yes. You agreed to be mine. I never imagined you would be taken from me prematurely either. 

As the song ended, it felt like my heartbreak was just beginning as I realized that while dancing through our house with the ghost of you that my feet don't dance like they did with you. 

 

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