Can you be afraid of and thrive in commitment all at once?
That's what I thought.



Going out with friends is the most ideal thing for a teenager to do on a Friday. So, it only made sense that, that was what I was doing that afternoon. As far as I was aware, her and her family weren’t going to even be anywhere near where I was until 4:50 that evening for a movie. Knowing that, you can imagine it was fair that I was surprised when I walked out of a store and saw her walking by. I quickly shouted, ran up and hugged her. It was small, and fast. But, my heart was pounding, and I became extremely nervous as my stomach intensely filled with butterflies, or whatever people called that stomach feeling nowadays. Hugging her, and watching her walk away… I didn’t know what to do. I talked loud in hopes she’s hear me as I left. I wanted to walk with her and spend the entire day with her. I wanted to go into the movie theater that she walked into. I wanted to laugh with her, and throw popcorn at her as she smiled at me the way she always does. I wanted.. more than anything her attention that day. And even two hours later my heart still pounded fast. I don’t want to say this is different from every time before, because I don’t want to think about or acknowledge my past. I want to move forward… which sounds easier than it actually is. Coming from someone who can never escape their past it seems. And it was wrong. The whole idea, was wrong. It was something I shouldn’t feel or want. I was still me, I still didn’t like labels, I still didn’t like complications, I was still psyched out by the idea of love. But in that moment, I heard a little voice in my head whisper; “What if.” 


But I’m still afraid of commitment… right? 

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