The fear


1. Kap 1



You follow me wherever I go and that’s creep me out. I know, I can’t run, and jet I try every single time. Why won’t you let me be alone? Why do you, have to do this? Why me? What have I ever done to you. If I have to perform or present anything, you will make me shake, and stumble over my words. I’m never alone, not even in my own house. If a door opens you make me jump. If I can hear the cat, you make me imagine some serial killer is coming. I can’t sleep anymore. Actually I don’t even remember the last time, I got over 2 hours sleep. You make me nervous all the time. I can’t think clearly. In school I will hide, between all the other students. I will be one with the wall. I’m become so good at it, that even my teachers sometimes don’t notice, that I’m in school. You get pleasure, when you see me like this. All creeped out and scared.


It wasn’t always like this. There was a time where, I was the one, who was in charge. I would be the first to present anything in class. I had a million friends, and I was always on everybody’s lips. What was the next crazy thing I would do? I was the queen. Everybody wanted to be my friend or even just my classmate. There was always rumors about me. In the good way most of the time. People didn’t just wanted to be my friend, they wanted to be me. I would do the most craziest things, and follow it up with something even more crazy. No one ever judged me, and if they did, I simply didn’t care. I remember one time in the cafeteria, where I out of the blue just broke into singing. In the beginning people stirred, but they fast joined me, because I started it. I would skydive, rollerskate, swim with sharks and so much more. I always cared about others feelings. I tried to be the best person, I could be. Which was why people didn’t feared me, but loved me.


I was incredible, but somehow you came in. I’m not quite sure what happened. I was always happy, and now there is no happiness left. That happy version deciphered, when you came. I still smile, I have to. In the beginning I got so many questions. Where is your sweet smile? What’s wrong? Why won’t you do that? Who died, and make you so sad?  One question after the other. After some time people forgot everything about the old me, and just accepted it. They might had forgot about the old me, but they would still ask why I was so sad. So I learned how to make a fake smile, and now no one ever ask to me. No one cares enough to see, how there is no happiness in my smile. How there is no soul behind these blue eyes.


You changed me. You took this strong girl and made her weaker than glass. You are the fear there runs through me all day and night. You make me nervous. You make me jump for every sound. You make me look over my shoulder. You scare me, more than I want to admit. I can’t recognize myself any longer. I wish, I could change back, but how? I’m just a shadow of the person I was before. Instead of laughing, I cry. Instead of happiness, there is sadness. Insead of craziness, there is doubt and carefulness. Instead of bravery, there is fear. And instead of a soul, there is a empty shell. You ruined me and worst of all, I let you do it.  

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