The idea of falling in love can be terrifying

Two people who probably couldn't be more different and further away from each other...would it be possible for something to work? Or will the fear of failure prevent anything from even beginning? #MovellasBlogs

  The last time I was 'in a relationship' was when I was 13. I noticed some guy who kept looking at me, my curiosity led to finding out that he was into me. Having someone fancy me was flattering. Eventually I became into him, only as the relationship was coming to an end. Ultimately, it wasn't love but I was young and it took me 2 years to gain my confidence and realise that I'm a pretty awesome person - a little weird but that's what makes life fun, eh? ;)

  Now I'm twenty and am currently in my third year in university. I haven't been in any relationships since then i.e I have a non-existential love life. Trust me when I say I've had my fair share of crushes, guys who seemed to be into me and even periods of questioning my sexuality (which still happen by the way). I'm an average student and this semester is turning out to be quite a demanding one since I've been offered (and I accepted) the role of an Assistant Project Director of an Elderly Outreach Programme with a society in school. Lacking any prior experience, this role is definitely a challenging one - add trying to keep up decent grades (or hopefully, do better) as well as the school assignments, projects and midterms (which there's one of tomorrow) - I've been plenty busy. 

  Moving on quickly. As part of my procrastination habits, sometimes I visit online chatrooms for no obvious reason other than to distract myself. I realise this is counterintuitive to trying to pull my grades up. Yet, I've actually made some pretty decent online friends who live in far away places like Norway, Croatia. Of course, I've had my fair share of shady characters too to which I say 'Au revoir!' (The Internet is a dangerous place for ladies...or anyone actually..but for females especially.)

  I almost never go on Omegle just because the proportion of weirdos on there is substantial - their weirdness is on a completely different frequency to mine. But out of nowhere, about a month and a half ago, I decided to try again, this time inputing specific parameters or 'interests' - 'movies' and 'college' are the ones I distinctly remember. I didn't think much of it. After all, the 'Disconnect' button was my friend. 

  After maybe one botched attempt, an interesting individual came up. We exchanged the usual information - age, sex, location. What got my attention about this person was that he was able to communicate in proper grammar and sentence structure - something never to be taken granted for. I found out later this was also one of the reasons why he decided to keep talking to me. 

He lives in North Carolina while I live in Singapore. That's approximately 9,680 miles away with a 12 hour time difference. Basically when I'm just about to start my day, he's getting ready for bed.

As you can imagine, communication wasn't easy. But we did it (and still are doing it) via Kik. This was strange to me too as he was the one who asked me to add him on Kik, citing a lousy connection on Omegle when I asked 'why?'. I raised an eyebrow but since no personal data was being asked for, I agreed. For a month, we'd IM each other day and night, talking about nothing in particular. We'd talk about silly things, exchange lame jokes. As we got to know each other better, sometimes the conversations would go deep. 

I found out he's 29, is a Taurus has a good job with a stable and good income, has an awesome garden and is good with his hands (the alcohol cabinet he's working on is looking pretty wicked).

Of course, there will always be some doubt in me with whatever he's told me, just because I'm always cautious with online 'friends' or people I haven't met in real life. Well, everyone in general actually. I don't have trust issues, I'm just cautious. 

U-turning back to guy - let's call him Donut. We've exchanged pictures, heard each other's voices but have never talked on Skype or FaceTime. I don't mind this neither have I pushed for this just because I don't feel like it's necessary. However, he has promised to show me his skills with a deck of cards so we'll see if he keeps his word. 

We have similar interests, the same favourite ice cream flavour, a compatible sense of humour (which can sometimes be inappropriate and even racist to our respective races but we both find it hilarious). Yet, we are also very different. We have different cultures, a few different beliefs and lead very different lifestyles. 

I've been rambling so I'm going straight to the point now. We're into each other - we've openly admitted this. However, he's stated that the 'time and place is wrong'. I agree to this statement but have more to add. In summary, I like him but that's based on what I know of him via a Wifi connection. Things could be completely different if we met up in person. I told him that females tend to get emotionally invested more and suggested we take a one-week-no-communication break. Within 12 hours, I realised I was overthinking things and scrapped the idea. 

Furthermore, he admitted that he wouldn't date me just because we were so far away even though he truly did/does want to try but doesn't want to 'hurt me' if things don't work out. Up to that point, I hadn't considered the whole 'dating' option. My rational side kept reminding me that I was attracted to an 'image' of him and that any feelings I developed or would develop, would be for someone I'd never met which meant that those feelings would be misplaced and wouldn't make any sense. Or, I could just be into the idea of falling in love or getting into a relationship, neglecting the reality of it all. That shit cray.

 Again, I repeat that we both became/are into each other. 

Yet, I was completely resigned to the fact that we both would maintain a strictly platonic friendship. Although, it should be acknowledged that we both agreed that our situation of (online) friends being into each other is a peculiar one. Furthermore, Donut did say that starting anything wouldn't make any sense and wouldn't work out so, there's that. 

And then a few days ago, Donut was telling me about this conference thing for work that he wanted to go to but had missed out on the date when it was held in the US. He then made me guess where the next two locations would be. Yep, you guessed it (but I didn't) - Singapore. The other was Scotland. 

Anywhere in the world and one had to be where this girl is at? Very odd (he said that). How peculiar (I said that). 

Nothing is confirmed yet. Donut told me he asked his boss to send him here for the conference but his boss seems hesitant. So, there's a 'low chance' but you 'never know' - his words, not mine. If fate does have it for us to meet, we'd meet in the flesh in approximately a month. 

This possibility scares the shit out of me. Which is funny because Donut once told me that I scare the shit out of him because I was 'the only one on here (referring to Kik) to challenge' him and the fact that he found that a 'good thing' scared the shit out of him even more. Way to not hang on to a man's every word, huh. 

As you can tell from the length of this post, I've been thinking about this a lot.

One side of my mind is like 'nothing is ever gonna happen. Y'all are probably never gonna meet and you two are gonna forget about each other and find someone else to be into. Girl, you're thinking too much about this. Stop it.'

The other side of mind is going through all of the 'What if?' scenarios which is a very dangerous place to be in. 

I've never seriously considered being in a long-distance relationship. Or any relationship not because I don't want to be in one because I'm open to it, just not actively looking. However, if Donut does fly to home girl's country and we do meet up, I'm curious (and kinda terrified) to find out what'll happen.

If anyone actually reads this, help home girl out by commenting and sharing your opinion if you want to - it'll help me understand what the heck is going on. And if anyone's been in a similar situation, do the same :)



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